With emotions running high, it might be difficult to discuss decisions with your ex-partner during a divorce. Calm and respectful communication can help make the process less hurtful and allow you to work together more effectively in the long-term.
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Here's some tips to prepare you for the main discussions you and your partner are likely to have.
Preparing to talk
- Plan ahead. Make a list of what needs to be covered and document any agreements you come to. Try to keep the conversation focused on practical matters rather than past grievances.
- Keep calm. Understand that the conversation might not go as planned. Take a short break from the discussion if it becomes heated and avoid tackling sensitive topics if you’re already tired or stressed.
- Set clear boundaries. Establish boundaries regarding communication and interactions, especially if new partners are involved. Clear boundaries can help prevent misunderstandings and conflicts.
- Use “I” statements. Frame your thoughts and feelings using “I” statements (e.g., “I feel…” or “I need…”) rather than “You” statements, which can come across as accusatory.
- Be honest and direct. Don’t make any promises you can’t keep or provide false hope to try and soften the blow. Communicate your thoughts clearly, answer any questions and be respectful towards your ex-partner’s responses.
- Listen. Give your partner a chance to speak and listen to their perspective without interrupting. Be ready to accept your ex’s responses and decisions, even if they differ from your expectations. This can help build mutual understanding.
Children and co-parenting
- Put your children’s wellbeing first. In a recent survey we conducted across 1,000 divorcees, 28.2% of survey respondents said that communicating with a former partner was one of their biggest concerns around co-parenting. In any discussion, it’s important to remember that any decisions you come to must be in the interests of your children’s happiness. Be honest with each other about the impact on their thoughts and feelings, and if you’re making the situation as easy for them as possible.
- Be flexible and open to compromise. It can be difficult to navigate a new routine around two separate households. Listen to your ex’s needs and focus on finding solutions and compromises that are fair for all of you.
- Focus on the practicalities. Cover practical aspects such as living arrangements, visitation schedules, holidays, and how you’ll handle school events and extracurricular activities.
- Use positive language. This is your opportunity to make the next chapter as comfortable as possible for all of you. Instead of focusing on what you don’t want, emphasize what you believe will benefit the children.
- Communicate regularly: It’s likely that yours, your ex’s and your children’s requirements will evolve over time. Keeping an open and honest line of communication will prevent misunderstandings and ensure both parents are on the same page.
Finances
- Prepare thoroughly. Gather all relevant financial documents, including bank statements, tax returns, and property deeds. Knowing your financial situation is crucial, particularly if you decide to seek legal help in the future.
- Be transparent. Honesty is key, as your financial situation can impact the decisions you make for yourself and your children. Disclose all assets and debts to avoid complications later.
- Focus on the future. Think about your long-term financial goals and how the division of assets will impact them. This can help in making more objective decisions.
- Protect your interests. Be vigilant about any changes in financial behaviour from your spouse. Are they being avoidant if you ask about their spending? Are there any bills or transactions in your account that don’t make sense? If necessary, seek legal help to get the full picture needed to plan for the future.
- Plan for contingencies: Discuss and plan for potential future financial changes, such as job loss or unexpected expenses. Having a plan in place can help both parties feel more secure.
New relationships
- Take your time. Ensure you’re emotionally ready to discuss your new relationship with your ex, anticipating it may be upsetting for them if they haven’t moved on fully. It may be best to ensure your new relationship is stable before informing your ex.
- Choose the right time. Find a moment when both of you are calm and can talk without interruptions. Avoid bringing it up during a heated argument, or if you know your ex is going through a stressful time.
- Keep it brief. Provide the necessary information without going into too much detail. Your ex doesn’t need to know every aspect of your new relationship, and over-sharing may be hurtful for them. Answer any questions you feel comfortable with, but make sure you maintain boundaries for anything you’re not ready to disclose.
- Prepare for different reactions. Understand that your ex might have a range of emotions, from acceptance to anger. Try to be patient if they’re upset by the news (without accepting disrespect) and be prepared to give them space to process.
If you’re unable to speak to your ex
There may be situations where you’re unable to speak to your ex, for example if the relationship has broken down too much or the situation has become dangerous. In these cases, you should:
- Limit direct contact. Use written communication methods like emails or direct messengers. This can help keep interactions documented and less confrontational.
- Seek help from a lawyer or mediator. A lawyer or mediator can provide a third party to help facilitate discussions. They can ensure your safety, represent your interests, and help you to reach an agreement. Be sure to let you ex know if you choose to seek legal help.
- Call the police. If you feel threatened, don’t hesitate to involve the police. They can provide protection, provide evidence for any legal action you may need to take against your ex, and ensure that any necessary interactions are safe.
- Document everything. Keep detailed records of all interactions and any incidents of harassment or threats. This documentation can be crucial in legal proceedings.
If you and your former partner need some support during your separation, we’re ready to help. Our specialist divorce solicitors are here to give you tailored legal advice to make sure your best interests are protected, both now and in the future.
We can also help individuals who need guidance on Jewish or Islamic divorces, as well as couples seeking a same-sex divorce.
Mediation support
Mediation has become increasingly popular as way of resolving divorce issues between partners. It’s less confrontational and more cost-effective. The presence of a non-biased third party tends to put people at ease when it comes to discussing things with their ex-partner.
