As they come to terms with a separation, your children are looking to you for reassurance. Gentle, honest communication will make adjusting to their new routine much easier.
Our experts are here to help you through the challenges talking to your children after a divorce. Contact our team, we’ll listen to your situation and let you know how we can help.
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Here’s some steps you can follow help them process each stage:
Breaking the news
- If it’s possible, tell your children together. Agree what you’re going to say with your partner, while keeping blame and anger out of it as much as possible. The most important things to let them know are that it’s not their fault, and if appropriate, that you’ll both still be there for them.
- Use age-appropriate language. Make sure you speak to your child in their language, so they know you’re taking their needs into consideration. For example, teenagers may prefer to be spoken to more directly than a younger child.
- Explain that they’re not being abandoned. Make sure they know they’ll be loved and cared for, no matter what. Let them know what the next steps are and listen to their thoughts patiently.
- Answer your children’s questions. This helps them process the information and feel heard. Answer them as honestly as possible and be sympathetic to their feelings. You don’t have to give them any private details about your relationship. If you can’t answer the question, tell them that gently.
- Don’t create false hope. Don’t suggest that you might get back together to protect them from being hurt. In the long-term, this may breed mistrust and resentment.
Living between homes
- Stick to similar rules and routines. In a recent survey we conducted across 1,000 divorcees, 29.3% cited different parenting styles as one of their key concerns post-divorce. With your partner, create a schedule for your children to follow across both homes. This helps children feel more secure and reduces confusion.
- Encourage your children to feel comfortable. Remind them that both yours and your ex-partner’s houses are their home. Make sure they have their own spaces and remind them to bring any personal items that may help them feel safe.
- Always speak positively about your ex-partner. Even though you may still feel hurt, they remain your child’s parents for life. Avoiding turbulence or making them feel like they must choose between their parents, will help them feel more trusting of their new situation.
- Don’t involve your children in any remaining conflict. It isn’t fair to use your children as message-carriers or ask them to spy on your ex-partner. If you have problems remaining with your ex, keep them away from your children as much as you can.
- Remain calm. If your children see you handling the situation well, they are more likely to feel that everything will be okay.
Handling school and hobbies
- Where possible, keep your children in the same school. School can offer security and consistency when a child’s home life is changing. If they do have to move school, talk to your child about how they can stay in touch with their friends.
- Keep people informed. Let the teacher, and any coaches or leaders from their hobbies, know what is going on. This can prepare them to be in tune with emotional behaviours, or any unusual difficulties in learning.
- Take an interest. Where possible, try to set aside some time each day to ask about how school is and engage with their hobbies and interests. This lets them know you’re prioritising their wellbeing, and is a good way to find out if they’re facing any issues they need help with.
- If you’ve promised to show up, make sure you’re there. If you’ve committed to attend any events your children are involved with at school or as part of their hobbies, don’t let them down. Reliability helps children feel safe during a separation.
Introducing a new partner
- Don’t rush your child into a meeting. 26.5% of respondents to our survey claimed that introducing children to a new partner was one of their greatest concerns. This comes as no surprise – meeting a new partner can be uncomfortable for children. Make sure the relationship is stable before arranging an introduction and reassure your child that they have a special place in your life which isn't replaceable.
- Communicate with your ex-spouse. Let your ex-spouse know about your plans to introduce a new partner. This can help avoid any surprises and maintain a cooperative co-parenting relationship.
- Remember that they may still feel loyal to their own mum or dad. Let them know that you're aware of this, and you don’t expect them to like your new partner immediately. This will help them to be less anxious about it.
- Be sensitive about your child building relationships with new stepsiblings. In the first instance, a brief, casual meeting in a neutral place, such as a park or a café may take the pressure off and help them get to know each other. As the relationship progresses, keep talking to them about how it’s going and be sure to address any issues with your new partner.
If you and your former partner need help with co-parenting, our lawyers can help you to navigate the issues that come with this aspect of divorce.
We can also help individuals who need guidance on Jewish or Islamic divorces, as well as couples seeking a same-sex divorce.
Mediation service
We’re proud to offer a specialist mediation service where you and your ex-partner can discuss issues in a safe environment. Many find this useful because it’s less confrontational and more cost-effective.
