Domestic Abuse: It Ends With Us

Warning: Please note that this article deals with domestic abuse. 

The recent release of It Ends With Us, a film-adaptation of Colleen Hoover’s New York Times bestseller starring Gossip Girl’s Blake Lively, has been widely anticipated by many after the book’s initial success in 2016 when it sold over 20 million copies. On the surface, the film’s glossy advertising might lead you to believe that the film is a romantic comedy. However, its plot tells the story of Lily Bloom who, after witnessing her father abuse her mother as a child, ends up in an abusive relationship herself. Since its release many have expressed fears about how the film romanticises unhealthy relationships, with the Telegraph’s two-star review commenting that the film “repackages domestic violence as slick romance”. 

Whilst these sorts of depictions of an abusive relationship can be dangerous for those who are not equipped, or for those who are too young to recognise these types

 of behaviours, we know that victims of domestic abuse can often feel alone and therefore raised awareness of the various forms that domestic abuse can take is integral. The patterns of behaviour that perpetrators exhibit, including control and coercion, are often insidious in nature which means that it can be very difficult for victims (and their family members) to identify what they are going through as abuse. 

How to you know it’s happening to you

We understand that some victims may think that because they are not being physical abused, they are not experiencing domestic abuse. It is important to know that this is not the case and that ‘abusive behaviour’, as defined by the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, can be any of the following: 

• Physical or sexual abuse
• Violent or threatening behaviour
• Controlling or coercive behaviour
• Economic abuse
• Psychological, emotional, or other abuse

The behaviour often at the centre of domestic abuse is controlling or coercive behaviour (a criminal offence in the UK) – it is designed to deprive a victim of their autonomy and manipulate them into thinking they are unable to act of their own volition, thereby enabling the abuser’s control. Controlling and coercive behaviour is a pattern of abusive conduct that can include:  

• Isolating you from your family and friends
• Depriving you of necessities, such as limiting your access to food 
• Monitoring your whereabouts and communications with others (e.g. installing spyware on your phone or laptop or demanding to see your messages and calls)
• Limiting your freedom and independence by dictating aspects of your everyday life e.g. where you are able to go, who you should spend time with, when you go to sleep and what you can wear 
• Controlling your money and monitoring your spending
• Humiliating and degrading you, making you feel worthless 
• Threatening or intimidating you or your children 

We realise that anyone, regardless of age, gender, sexuality, ethnicity, or socio-economic background (including those who appear to be in high-powered or very senior positions), can be subjected to these behaviours. If you are experiencing any form of abuse we are here to help and have a team of specialist family lawyers who can advise you. Please always remember that if you are in an emergency situation yourself, you should call the police.

If you wish to seek expert advice regarding domestic abuse, or any children law matters, please contact specialist Annie Chawla at Annie.Chawla@IrwinMitchell.com or on 07786855321.

Irwin Mitchell’s client counsellor, Vicky Lambert, is a trauma informed counsellor and also has extensive experience in working with those affected by domestic abuse.