A (Modern) Family Christmas – How To Approach Arrangements For Children During The Festive Period
It may be the most wonderful time of the year for many families, but with c.2.3 million* separated families in the UK, conflict can often arise when trying to agree contact arrangements for children over the festive period.
It is always preferable to agree contact arrangements for the festive period as early as possible, but it can often be difficult to know what type of schedule will work for your family – one size most certainly does not fit all. In this article, we will reflect on various Christmas contact arrangements that we often see in parenting agreements and Court Orders within the Irwin Mitchell family team.
Example Arrangements
Of course, both parents would want to spend this festive period with their children every year, however some compromise is needed on both sides and parents must be willing to make concessions when arrangements are in dispute.
Arguably the most common arrangement we see over this period is as follows:
Parent A: Christmas Eve daytime,
Parent B: Christmas Eve evening, overnight until Christmas Day morning,
Parent A: Christmas Day afternoon, overnight until Boxing Day.
This schedule is often alternated each year, meaning Parent A would see the children on Christmas Eve evening and Christmas Day morning the following year.
You could also adopt this schedule for New Years festivities. Some parents will agree to rotate this, so that the parent who did not have Christmas Eve – Christmas Day morning on that year, will spend time with the children over the New Years period. This could again alternate each year, as follows:
Parent B: New Years Eve (daytime),
Parent A: New Years Eve (evening), overnight until New Years Day morning,
Parent B: New Years Day afternoon.
For parents who live further away from each other, travelling will factor into the arrangements. We often see the following arrangement, again alternated each year between parents with a larger distance between them:
Parent A: Christmas Eve (daytime)
Parent B: Christmas Eve (evening), until Boxing Day – or 27th / 28th December depending on how far away Parent A lives away,
Parent A: Boxing Day (or whichever day after Christmas works for you), until New Years Day.
If you and your ex-partner are in a positive co-parenting relationship, some families choose to host a blended family Christmas together, including both separated parents and any respective new partners and family. This – we know – is not suitable or realistic for all families, but it is something to consider, especially for younger children, if you are able to do so.
Communication and Handovers
Careful consideration needs to be given as to how these arrangements will work on the ground, particularly in relation to handovers. Where will the children be collected from/returned to? Who will facilitate the handovers?
Handovers can also feel especially difficult where there have been allegations of domestic abuse between separated parents. Some parents will not feel comfortable or able to facilitate handovers with the other directly, and of the utmost importance is that children are not exposed to parental conflict, abusive behaviours or derogatory comments towards one parent by the other.
If you and your ex-partner do not feel comfortable to meet in person for handovers, you could ask a family member to support you with this. If this is not a viable option, you may want to consider handovers in a public place.
We know that tensions can be high this time of year, and the inevitable emotional effects of a relationship breakdown can make amicable communications between parents difficult. Parenting apps can help reduce the acrimony between parents and ensure that they are solely focussed on the children, and apps often contain a calendar which both parents can contribute to. It is helpful for parents to agree on a method of communication and stick to it.
Children should be able to express their wishes and feelings. Especially as children get older, they may want to spend time with friends over the festive period or have specific traditions with one parent that they wish to continue. However, although parents can reassure children that their views will be taken into account, it is important that children are not asked to decide who they want to spend time with and when, as this places unnecessary responsibility on them and can cause them to feel divided loyalties to each parent. The key is to keep lines of communication open and appropriate to your children’s ages.
Can mediation, family therapy or counselling help?
Some families find that they need a neutral third party to focus their minds and help them facilitate conversations about arrangements for Christmas – and that is where mediation could help.
Mediation is a voluntary process and both must agree to engage - it may not be appropriate where there are allegations of domestic abuse between parents. However, mediation can take many forms - in person, virtually or, for parents who may not wish to communicate directly between each other, on a ‘shuttle’ basis.
Claire Filer, a Partner and family mediator in the Irwin Mitchell Family Team shares her views on how mediation may assist separated families over the Christmas period below:
“In cases where it is suitable, mediation is a really effective way of resolving arrangements for children including those over Christmas. Parents are able to share their views and possible solutions in a supported environment in which they are listened to and feel heard. Mediation often helps with communication in the future, better co-parenting and minimises future disagreements.”
It can be difficult for parents to spend even a small amount of time away from their children at Christmas, and whilst the support of family and friends could assist, one or both parents may wish to engage in counselling for support following separation.
At Irwin Mitchell, we have an accomplished counsellor, Vicky Lambert, who has a wealth of experience providing support to those navigating family issues. Vicky shares her thoughts on how counselling may help separated parents here:
“Christmas and other major family milestones can be very emotive times for parents. Counselling can provide a confidential space to explore difficult feelings. Being listened to and understood can ease a really stressful time and support you to address the new norm.”
It can be difficult for parents to spend even a small amount of time away from their children at Christmas, and whilst the support of family and friends could assist, one or both parents may wish to engage in counselling for support following separation.
At Irwin Mitchell, we have an accomplished counsellor, Vicky Lambert, who has a wealth of experience providing support to those navigating family issues. Vicky shares her thoughts on how counselling may help separated parents here:
“Christmas and other major family milestones can be very emotive times for parents. Counselling can provide a confidential space to explore difficult feelings. Being listened to and understood can ease a really stressful time and support you to address the new norm.”
Concluding thoughts
However Christmas looks for your family, children will want to enjoy the holidays with both of their parents and wider family – so make sure to agree arrangements in good time, so that the festive period can be about spending quality time with your children.
Should you require any guidance or support from a legal perspective, or if you would like further information about our mediation and counselling services, please do not hesitate to get in touch with our experienced family law practitioners who will be able to assist.
*Family Solutions Group, “What about me? A child’s right to matter”, November 2023 – statistics as at 2021
“Christmas and other major family milestones can be very emotive times for parents. Counselling can provide a confidential space to explore difficult feelings. Being listened to and understood can ease a really stressful time and support you to address the new norm.” Vicky Lambert, in house Counsellor at Irwin Mitchell.”
